As Cancer slowly - painstakingly slowly steals Dad away from us, I have become more and more aware that each second is a precious gift. I have taken these last gifted moments to share my heart with him.
Dear Dad,
How do I find the words? How do I
let you know my feelings when I struggle to sort through them myself?
I often think of a saying my Granny
use to tell us as kids; "Be careful what you wish for." So in life, I have
always tried to remember her words.
Though this is one of the most painful times in my life... and I wish with
every fiber of my being, that things could have
been different. I am not sorry that I searched for you. I am thankful to have
found you.
Dad, I want you to know that even
though our time was short. And I struggle with 'could have been' ... 'should
have been.' I am so thankful and grateful to
have had the opportunity to learn what kind of man your are for
myself.
Through your illness, I have read
the words of many people, who glorify you. Who hold you in such high regard.
Thankful that you were in their lives.
Although a part of me is angry that I did not have you in my life - for my whole
life - and I am working on that. I am so proud
that you are my Dad! So proud to be your first born daughter!
I don't know if we will again have
the opportunity to speak. There is so much to say that my mind races to pen
everything I want you to know. Alas much will never be said as time simply does
not allow. But I will remember your words. I have every word you have ever
written to me. I have your DVD's. Your
cards. And as you once told me, a part of you is in me. You told me that you
see yourself in me. I now see what you saw.
Your wit, your humour, your tender heart, your intelligence, integrity and
compassion.
And I hope that as we each move
forward into our destiny, I make you proud to call me your
daughter.
I will never forget our time
together, and I will thank God every day for those precious hours we were
given. That I was able to hold you, to kiss you, to look into your
eyes, and I will forever treasure our one and only picture together.
Please let there be no doubt in
your mind of my love for you. Every day when I look in the mirror, I will see
your face. With every beat of my heart, I will feel you. Know
that in the past year we shared, you have shaped me.
I am sorry that you are suffering.
I pray every second of every day that peace finds you.
I love you Dad.
Now.... Always .....
Forever.
Lori
~~~
